I knew I didn’t “fit in” at a very young age. My peers constantly reminded me of this through exclusion and bullying.
I learned to fake alpha-male like a champ and somehow find some “success” in the world.
Fast forward to today and I’d throw it all away in a heartbeat to be who I really am. I had to hurt myself to survive…
I have acknowledged a handful of feminine fetishes throughout my personal life. I was pretty convinced I was a cross-dresser but was happy enough to try and bury that for the benefit of my family and current relationship. I would mostly wear women’s lingerie (from childhood) and that was it.
A couple of years ago I started to develop a more focused sissy fetish. I bought lots of clothes to scratch that itch…
Then something happened. In front of the mirror, a pink frilly dress, stockings, garters and a pink glam wig (and a shot of hot pink lipstick)…I saw HER for the first time.
That very moment I realized I had a very big problem.
More than just perception, I felt myself (the real me) looking out from within this facade of my male body. I’m not waxing poetic. This was happening and I was powerless to stop it.
So I hit Google and found out about Gender Dysphoria. I always believed being transgender was delusional and sadly selfish. I know much better now…and my life is very nearly falling apart as we speak.
I couldn’t unsee HER. I needed to see HER again. This was very important to me. I must be going crazy…
My wonderful girlfriend had run a pic (the guy me) through FaceApp and posted the results on Facebook as an older version of “myself”.
I found out online that it would also turn a man into a woman. I downloaded the app and I saw HER again…
So right about now is when I decide to jump down the rabbit hole head first.
I need to see her more still. So I buy a few dresses…
I remember when this dress arrived. I was too excited to rush it. I waited until later that evening to put it on. My first experience with gender euphoria…I was absolutely on cloud 9 right up until the following morning.
As crazy as it may sound – I looked beautiful. I need this MORE…
I also started to need to get out in public. I felt so corrected…
I wanted to get out so bad I created a fictional Halloween event that I could attend. I secretly hoped it would materialize and it never did.
I bought an Alice in Wonderland costume. I was just going to dress up and sit by myself at home for Halloween but the thought made me sad and I left the costume put away in a box.
My self-loathing was really ramping up. When this happens I deny myself completely…feeling like a pathetic, delusional loser.
Last week I decided to see how the costume looks…
More wonderful gender euphoria…once again it lasts for hours. *sigh*
…and it’s not just pictures.
I remember joining the Crossdream Life forum and being asked by a new friend if I had another name. For some reason Alli (for Allison) came to mind. I mentioned that I had given that name some passing thought but really not worth mentioning.
I received a reply the following morning. She immediately called me Alli and my heart soared. This felt amazing.
Since then I have been asked several times by a few people what my preferred pronouns are. Half the time I’m too ashamed to answer truthfully. Just call me “insert dead name here”…it’s fine. 🙁
It wasn’t “fine” at all. I am Allison. I am a she or a her. Not a damn thing I can do to change that now even if I wanted to.
Hell, not a damn thing you can do about it either.
I started out with the mindset that dressing up would scratch an itch and I could keep this all firmly hidden away in the closet.
The opposite was actually true. This was like a gateway drug. This was my weed when now I really needed cocaine…
So today, what’s different?
Well…trying to line up nearly full medical and social transition for starters.
So there you have an incomplete overview of my transgender awakening.
You can’t undo it once you see it. Likewise you can’t unhear your name or forget how it made you feel.
The die has been cast.
You are forever changed. You took the red pill and got to peak behind the curtain…it can’t be undone. Now go live.
Get up off your knees girl. Stand face to face with your God and find out what you are. – Highly Suspect (My Name is Human)