July 26, 2020

Today I lost everything…

It finally happened. I knew it would…

Today I lost everything.

My everything.

The most amazing thing to ever happen to me walked out the door…and I held it open for her…urged her out.

I finally fell apart.

The everything of all of this is just too much for me.

I desperately wish for the peace only death will bring.

Being trans is a curse. Every single path I choose leads to death. I can’t be him. I can’t be me. I do not exist…

I thought I had acceptance where it mattered the most. I don’t blame her at all for having second thoughts.

I was supposed to be cool with this idea that our loved ones “transition” with us. This nebulous process of vague scope and undetermined length.

I know it’s legit but it felt like just waiting for her to break up with me. Put a smile on everyday as you wait for your heart to be broken.

I put up with being deadnamed and misgendered at my own girlfriend’s house just for her comfort. It all seemed worth it.

There was a time I didn’t go over to her house because I had nail polish on. I have a daughter at home so I had a cover story but apparently it wasn’t good enough to make her feel comfortable. I stayed home alone that night. I didn’t want to embarrass her.

It’s all my fault anyway. I robbed her of the person she loved and left her with something sad and absurd in exchange.

Yeah, you’re welcome.

I told her three times that I didn’t see a place for me in her life. Three times she just looked at me empathetically and said nothing. A quiet acknowledgement of what we both knew to be true.

It was too painful. Having the person you love being engaged in the process of figuring out whether they can even be attracted to you. All the while knowing full well I will never be an attractive woman…ever.

Everyday it broke my heart a little more…

I finally broke.

I tried.

I love her.

…and just now the tears begin to flow, down my cheek and onto my pillow. My cat beside me looking on.

I have lost everything. The best friend I have ever had and a love like I could have never imagined.

…because I fell apart.

I wish I had the courage to do it. I want my life to so desperately be over.

I have nothing.

I have lost friends, my daughters barely talk to me and now my everything…gone.

Our last words were spoken in anger but I finally got to hear how she sees me. I’m not the person I thought I was…or even worse, that she thought I was. A fucking loser in every sense. Reduced to some unloving, barely-present pot-smoking semi-drunk.

I thought I was more…was sure I was more…

Apparently she had just been putting up with me for some time.

The worst thing she said to me was that I was always miserable…when I thought I had made so much progress. Somehow this hurt the most. If even when I think I have made progress my loved ones see nothing of the sort…

There truly is no future for me.

As much as well-meaning counselors, friends and (sadly) ex-girlfriend’s support may suggest otherwise.

Transition is self-indulgent folly. It is selfish to the core. It is also unrealistic for all but a select few that can fully and truly pass. The world hates us. We are an embarrassment and we hurt the people we love by indulging this.

I have hurt people and now I finally just paid the price and it hurts like nothing ever before.

I chose my online name well.

Deadgirl.

I saw this mother holding hands with her daughter as they walked down the street on a sunny day. The young girl was so happy. Straining at her mother’s arm one moment to excitedly look into a shop window and then returning happily to her mother’s side the next. That should have been me and my heart is forever broken.

I never got to live. A dead girl…

When I tried I fell apart…and lost the love of my life who can never be replaced.

From never having felt love before to losing the most amazing love anyone could imagine.

This was the cost. None of this was worth it.

I regret everything.

I fucking deserve every bad thing that comes my way. To have been so naive as to believe for a while I could somehow…be.

I should have never come out. It was a mistake.

I am a mistake. Now I’m alone. πŸ˜”

Deadgirl

21 Comments

  • Alli, I’m so sorry you’re hurting so much.
    I recognize the pain you are expressing and the grief and fear and hopelessness behind manny of your declarations. I love you fiercely, and I reject some of your assertions. For certain, there is hope for you to have peace and happiness. “Passing” isn’t a prerequisite for a meaningful life. Death is not the release you seek, the solution to your problems, or the answer to infinite questions.
    The pain you’re feeling that drives you to those assertions is real and valid and poignant. I don’t doubt how horrible you feel. You’re in a really horrible situation, and I have so much compassion and love and concern for you. It has to be absolutely miserable, you poor dear! πŸ’”
    I read today a quote that no feeling is ever final, even this pile of horrible things you’re feeling aren’t final. You’ll get through. You’ll find a way to flourish.
    I love you. I’ll stand by you through this difficult time. You are greater than what you’re experiencing, and you will make it through. ❀❀
    Hugs and love to you, dear friend.

  • We don’t know each other, but I just want to send you my love and support. I’m sorry you are hurting so badly. I hope things turn around for you and you see/feel sunshine soon.

  • Alli it has been some time since we spoke. And it is extremely hard to loose the love of your life. You should know that despite everything, she loves you. And it incredibly hard for her to help and support while trying to find where she fits in all this. Now you know me, im as subtle as a brick. Yeah Dysphoria is a bitch but it passes. We often hurt the ones we love while our brain is screaming lies that are in conflict with our very souls. But, listen, β€œDEATH IS A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM!! And passing??! Who said that was the goal anyway, your brain again??? With proper HRT and proper surgeries the Ali you seek will be found. But you cannot do it alone. As much as my heart hurts for you it also angers me to no end. And I say this with tears and much love… I see many in your situation, with support, and the means to accomplish this lofty goal. Absolutely fall off the rails! While many of us are without all these advantages struggle and fight to stay alive. We look to girls like you for inspiration, and hope. And your death will accomplish nothing but create unimaginable pain for more people than you can imagine. So, stand up dear, and move your ass in the right direction and finish this journey you have fought so hard to start. Got It?? One last thing, you are loved more than you can possibly imagine. Gea Daveed

    • Thanks GeaπŸ’•

      Unfortunately I am alone. The only thing that gave me the strength to really transition was her acceptance. That was my catalyst for hope.

      I’ll give it time. One way or another this will end. πŸ’•

  • Then you must talk to her. Even if it means your relationship takes on a different look! There is love there and you still need physical in person support. Just be easy on her. And be easy on yourself. Step back and frigging breathe. We are still IN THE ROOM. Come and let us help carry this burden. Um.. this is where you say OK.

    • Oh for f*cks sake Gea πŸ˜‚πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•

      I miss you.

      Obviously argument is folly. Thank you my friend. πŸ’•

  • Howdy Alli,

    You are not alone in any of this beloved, I and many others are here to support and love on you. Please reach out

    β€”Robyn

    • Thank you. I needed the reminder.

      You all can’t be wrong πŸ’•

      I hope you are doing well my friend.πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•

      • Alli, as most of the people in β€œthe room” will know I am rarely wrong… I know it is quiet the curse. If you need to make a new account or use your old one, or send me your email, phone, whatever… I and I know others would like to be here for you. Come talk to me or Gea or Liv, etc. You are not alone

        β€”R

  • Alli it’s Olive here in Alberta … my goodness I feel so horrible for the loss and pain you are experiencing right now . I know words in this situation can ring hallow. So I’m at a loss as how I might comfort you in this maelstrom of pain and sorrow. There are people your daughter your girlfriend and I’m positive others who love you and desperately need you in there lives .. Pursuing an β€œEnd” that leaves your light extinguished will leave those you love absolutely devastated and broken. Alli you know this would multiply your pain and anguish out to your entire circle. I have experienced your empathy and understanding for my circumstance Alli and I’m so thankful for you .. Please reach out for help Alli I know it is dark right now and it’s cliche but light WILL follow this darkness .. Olive

  • Chrys here.

    This all obviously bites!

    I don’t know what’s going on but we are here for you. Just jump in and poke me. I won’t bite.

    You are sweet and precious and what comes next will fill what is shrinking. Know we are there for you and willing to help if we can or listen if we cannot. Shared joy is magnified and shared grief is Diminished. Much love to you Alli. .

  • Ok Alli. Your fav pain in the ass Elf is here with some news. I talked to a certain person and they of course told me some things. I explained that Emotions-Dysphoria-Imposter Sydrome and Depression as well as not the right meds can really make you GO OFF. Welp, too much pressure on a shotgun does the same thing with the same results emotionally. And I took up for ya girl and a phone call is expected. Your welcome. Try not to F this up. Lol. Oh, cuddos for sending the text BTW. DM me in the room. And do not thi k for a second you are not Loved or valued or invalid and some other shit i forgot.

  • I know something about depression unfortunately, and how bad it can get, but it does NOT last forever. You will smile, laugh and love again. As long as you are here, there’s hope. I promise, and I’ll add another voice to all the others here – I love you!!

    • I love you too cuz. πŸ’• Thank you.

      I’m sorry that you are well-acquainted with depression. πŸ’” It may run in the family a bit. I was in therapy by kindergarten…no lie.

      My Mom was literally depressed her entire life and just couldn’t quite…live.

      Let’s hope we both do better. πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•

  • Well, since I can’t comment on your latest posts I’ll comment here.

    Alli (although I’m unsure if you want me to use that name, it’s how I know you). I’m not here to offer trite words of support because that’s ultimately meaningless. I don’t know what you’re feeling beyond how you’ve conveyed in your writing.

    I will say that I am truly sorry beyond belief. No one deserves this, ever. What has happened has happened, and maybe it couldn’t have turned out any other way. My hope for you is that you can continue to move forward with your life as best as is possible.

    Remember that every action leads to a reaction and a result; that part is inevitable. But there are choices we make which determine how we act, how others react, and what happens thereafter is often governed by those choices. These lead to consequences, good or bad, intended or unintended.

    I’m trying to say that your story is not yet complete.

    Keep writing and getting all this down. I’m still reading. I think you have a lot to offer beyond what you consider the obvious.

    With love
    Meghan

    • Meghan,

      Thank you. I’m always Allison. I can’t ever change that. πŸ’•

      As always, you speak wisely and thoughtfully.

      Maybe things will change for the better.

      Today she told me that I was right all along.

      She didn’t ever see us together long+term and she can’t be “out and proud” with me.

      I hate her for this.

      Her fake (and withdrawn) acceptance is heartbreaking.

      Our relationship was never what I thought it was.

      It’s a terrible thing.

      I’m sure I’ll get over it. It is easier when the other person confirms everything you suspected all along.

      This was inevitable.

      Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it a bunch. πŸ’•πŸ’•

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.