It finally happened. I knew it would…
Today I lost everything.
The most amazing thing to ever happen to me walked out the door…and I held it open for her…urged her out.
I finally fell apart.
The everything of all of this is just too much for me.
I desperately wish for the peace only death will bring.
Being trans is a curse. Every single path I choose leads to death. I can’t be him. I can’t be me. I do not exist…
I thought I had acceptance where it mattered the most. I don’t blame her at all for having second thoughts.
I was supposed to be cool with this idea that our loved ones “transition” with us. This nebulous process of vague scope and undetermined length.
I know it’s legit but it felt like just waiting for her to break up with me. Put a smile on everyday as you wait for your heart to be broken.
I put up with being deadnamed and misgendered at my own girlfriend’s house just for her comfort. It all seemed worth it.
There was a time I didn’t go over to her house because I had nail polish on. I have a daughter at home so I had a cover story but apparently it wasn’t good enough to make her feel comfortable. I stayed home alone that night. I didn’t want to embarrass her.
It’s all my fault anyway. I robbed her of the person she loved and left her with something sad and absurd in exchange.
Yeah, you’re welcome.
I told her three times that I didn’t see a place for me in her life. Three times she just looked at me empathetically and said nothing. A quiet acknowledgement of what we both knew to be true.
It was too painful. Having the person you love being engaged in the process of figuring out whether they can even be attracted to you. All the while knowing full well I will never be an attractive woman…ever.
Everyday it broke my heart a little more…
I finally broke.
I love her.
…and just now the tears begin to flow, down my cheek and onto my pillow. My cat beside me looking on.
I have lost everything. The best friend I have ever had and a love like I could have never imagined.
…because I fell apart.
I wish I had the courage to do it. I want my life to so desperately be over.
I have nothing.
I have lost friends, my daughters barely talk to me and now my everything…gone.
Our last words were spoken in anger but I finally got to hear how she sees me. I’m not the person I thought I was…or even worse, that she thought I was. A fucking loser in every sense. Reduced to some unloving, barely-present pot-smoking semi-drunk.
I thought I was more…was sure I was more…
Apparently she had just been putting up with me for some time.
The worst thing she said to me was that I was always miserable…when I thought I had made so much progress. Somehow this hurt the most. If even when I think I have made progress my loved ones see nothing of the sort…
There truly is no future for me.
As much as well-meaning counselors, friends and (sadly) ex-girlfriend’s support may suggest otherwise.
Transition is self-indulgent folly. It is selfish to the core. It is also unrealistic for all but a select few that can fully and truly pass. The world hates us. We are an embarrassment and we hurt the people we love by indulging this.
I have hurt people and now I finally just paid the price and it hurts like nothing ever before.
I chose my online name well.
I saw this mother holding hands with her daughter as they walked down the street on a sunny day. The young girl was so happy. Straining at her mother’s arm one moment to excitedly look into a shop window and then returning happily to her mother’s side the next. That should have been me and my heart is forever broken.
I never got to live. A dead girl…
When I tried I fell apart…and lost the love of my life who can never be replaced.
From never having felt love before to losing the most amazing love anyone could imagine.
This was the cost. None of this was worth it.
I regret everything.
I fucking deserve every bad thing that comes my way. To have been so naive as to believe for a while I could somehow…be.
I should have never come out. It was a mistake.
I am a mistake. Now I’m alone. 😔