August 15, 2020

The worst part…

I lost my best friend. 💔

Trying to act like I could function when I am in a constant state of being ripped apart inside.

In my mind I was trying so hard…and yet I failed the one person I have ever loved so completely.

An utter lack of empathy on my part as she literally did everything she could for me.

I need to be honest, deep down I don’t think I ever believed I could transition. I was never going to flush my career down the toilet.

So why did I push her too hard?

Selfishness and believing that somehow transition would cure my dysphoria.

Love is everything. I had that. The real kind too that almost nobody gets to experience. Everyone dreams of it and I had it.

I just sent her a text asking for her forgiveness. It’s pointless. I don’t deserve it.

I caused this damage and now I have to try and live with myself.

What have I done?

Lost everything for what? Authenticity?

Fucking overrated.

Our love was authentic. She was “home” to me. That was my everything.




Not this absurd fantasy that I can somehow be my true self on the outside.

The messed up part (or one of them) is that it was only her love and partial acceptance that gave me the courage to think I could transition in the first place.

Ironic isn’t a heartbreakingly tragic enough word to describe whatever that was.

Nobody walks away from a love like I had…at any cost.

I feel like me on the inside and I can somewhat manage my dysphoria (albeit not easily).

I should have quietly and ever-so-slowly crawled back into that closet.

Give her the man she lost back. That would have been the best thing for both of us.

Love. Home. Her.

I would trade everything to have those three things back.

I wish I could go back and change so many things.

Sure living with gender dysphoria is horrifying.

How much more so the loss of true love?

There can be no comparison.

“I’m going to transition” . At best a selfish “fuck you” to the person I love.

How did her little bit of acceptance lead me to believe I could do the impossible?

What a tragic fool.

That was the power of love.

I felt her wonderful love so profoundly that I suddenly believed I could be me.

She tried. I remember the first time I saw her after I came out to her.

She saw the real me. I felt accepted and whole for the first time in that instant. It was the most amazing feeling.

It’s funny that all the hurt and heartbreak I feel also makes me feel like the guy I was.

I used the sadness, and the bitterness and self-loathing to fuel the disguise I wore. She changed all that.

But I pushed it too far.

I also allowed myself to get sucked into the infernal transgender affirming online machine.

Where nobody ever questions whether it’s right to transition or not.

Sure, if your relationship is a joke or you are single…by all means transition.

But if you have true love and home you are a fool to destroy this.

To expect that beautiful soul, that part of me to endure the embarrassment and humiliation of my transition.

I was delusional.

It was a ridiculous dream.

The stress it caused made a couple of other issues bigger than they should have been. So I accept responsibility for that too.

She gave me her heart. My God what a beautiful gift.

I can imagine nothing better.

My selfishness did this. My lack of empathy did this.

All the while I should have just been loving her. That was natural for me and the all-encompassing everything of my dysphoria made me lose focus on what truly mattered.

Now I am sadly disfigured by HRT. Neither man nor woman but this fucked up in-between thing.

Something neither of us wanted.

Why couldn’t I be better? She is so worth it.

She deserved my everything and she got ripped off.

How does one ever apologize properly for this?

I wish I could undo the pain I have caused.

I think she may have replied to my text.

I can’t bring myself to look. I can’t handle any more hurt.

I brought this all on myself.

Now I am paying for it.

I deserve this. I just do.

I admire everyone who could make this work and still transition.

I understand these couples exist.

I turned the hope her love gave me into something bad and hurtful.

Love. Home. Her.

Those things can’t be replaced at any cost.

I deserve this.