February 10, 2020

The Long Road Home…

I finally came out to my girlfriend of nearly four years.

Instead of the crushing rejection I fully expected, I was met with a level of acceptance (and even some enthusiasm) that I could only dream of.

The weight of the world was finally lifted off my shoulders. Not only that but our relationship seems to have been altered in the most wonderful way. She actually looks forward to seeing me again. The real me. …and I want to be seen.

Our relationship has definitely suffered because of my Gender Dysphoria over the last year-ish. Before that we were loving and connected and there was a beauty in the time we spent together. The whole world would nearly disappear when I was with her. She was “home”. Over the last year or so I have been almost a ghost in our relationship.

“Home” is a deep concept for me. I have never felt like I had one. I deeply wish I had that feeling of stability and well being. Home was where love was. I had none of it.

Nearly two years ago my I was forced out of my job due to the negligent actions of two of my employees. My head had to roll for their failure to follow procedures. People almost died.

I had to move away for a new job. This meant I would be separated from my girlfriend by 2500KM’s…a 24 hour drive or a 2 hour plane ride. She supported me from day one (like the amazing person she is).

Here I am today and the company I work for is folding.

I need to find a way to get back to her. I need to be home again.

This is hard to orchestrate. I need to find a job (that pays enough) near Vancouver…secondly I also need a job that offers some protection if I ever fully transition. No problem right? Ugh.

I have a few different employment scenarios currently in my orbit but none that bring me back to the woman I love.

So where will I end up? Even further away? Will my daughter finally decide she’s had enough of moving around and decide to go live with her mom (after being with me most of her life)? Will my girlfriend put up with me being away? For how long?

My best bet is to try and get back to working for the government. Do I take a government job even if it’s far away just to get my foot in the door to a job where I may be protected as a trans woman? Where I may have an opportunity to transfer closer to my girlfriend eventually? Do I take any job that brings me closer to my girlfriend and then hope I can find something with the government that keeps me close?

It feels like so much hangs in the balance for me and I need to not worry as much as I have been. This is all coming from my heart though.

This incredible level of acceptance has made this much harder. I can now envision a future that I just couldn’t previously. I now have hope.

In a way I worry that this may be troublesome for my girlfriend. Her acceptance has not diminished my desire to transition – I know that was never her intention but I did wonder if I backed off transition and became something much less if that may make things better for her.

My entire everything felt hopeless and now it doesn’t. Gender Dysphoria is still omnipresent and an ongoing nightmare but somehow this new acceptance has set me free. I actually exist because she sees me. *sigh*

Now, more than ever I just want to find my way home.

Alli xoxo

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