I was thinking of a name for the album for a fictional band (Dirge). They only cover sad songs. This phrase (Synonyms for Sadness) seemed poetic as a name for the non-existent album…

The emotions have definitely been up and down. Lately much more down. I think about dying a lot.

Below are a few things I have posted to Crossdream Life. Just so I have my thoughts here for later rather than disappearing eventually on another forum. I left out the posts I replied to.

My sadness…

So anyone who has read my last couple of posts probably knows I’m depressed. (Seeing counselor, on anti-depressant…not much more I can do other than just transition and throw my entire life in the trash)

So I look at this forum and love reading everyone’s posts and learning a bit about the incredible diversity amongst “us”.

But for real now…

Is everyone doing great? Is it all just pretty pictures and nice dreams?

Who else feels like they are being emotionally and mentally ripped apart? (no mere narrative device…it feels like it’s almost really happening)

Who else cries because they can’t share themselves with those they love? Because their closest friends and relatives don’t really know them? Even my best friend can’t know.

Who else is lonely because their real self lives alone in hiding?

Who else can barely function in real life anymore?

Who else is tired (so tired) of being someone they aren’t?

Who else worries about losing everyone and everything?

Who else is having a panic attack and feeling like they almost can’t breathe because they get to spend time with their girlfriend this weekend (which should be wonderful) but are so riddled with anxiety about maybe something seeming “off” or having their sexual performance tank that they almost feel sick?

Who else puts two fingers to their head and imagines it’s a gun and how this could all be over with just the slightest movement of the finger?*

You know what I’m going to do this Halloween? I’m going to dress up like Alice in Wonderland and sit alone on the couch and probably bawl my eyes out. F*ck me.**

My God. I’ve been such an ignorant asshole all my life. I would have been the first to say that gender issues are BS. Just admit you are gay or wanna wear a dress. I thought you were weak and pathetic.

Here I am. Weak. Pathetic. Karma’s a bitch. I deserve this.

How my heart absolutely breaks for anyone who has to go through this. I wish I could make this pain go away…it’s relentless and savage. I feel like I don’t exist. Just a hollow shell. Doomed to walk the earth like a ghost.

Unless it really is all pretty flags, colored crosswalks, and pics of ways we wish we looked and wish we felt.

Maybe it’s just me…but I bet it isn’t.

Just can’t sleep and feeling sad. Felt like venting I guess. Survival tactic…

Sorry, I know it all sounds terribly negative. Thanks for letting it happen.

Alli

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You are right. I’m not prepared. I cant ever be. The only plan I can conceive is one that I shouldn’t be considering. I want off the ride. Right now.

I’ve already done an awful lot of research. 10 or 11 books, counselor, connected with gender advocacy group, hours and hours reading online, blogging and interacting on this forum. It’s made everything worse…except that I know that I’m far from the only one. I wish that made me feel better. It just doesn’t matter.

I woke up worse than I went to sleep.

I wish I had died in my sleep. My life is over…

There is nothing worse than this. Parts felt so right and good for a while.

Now just despair and emptiness. I just want to erase myself.

There is no point at all to entertain this shit anymore.

I need to talk myself out of it or roll the dice on some conversion therapy before it’s completely outlawed.

This is fake. I’m not trans. I’m just confused or nuts. My intellect has finally
betrayed me.

This is all lie. I’m obviously seriously mentally ill and descending into madness.

I’m not a woman trapped in a man’s body. I’m a pathetic loser who has lost his mind.

I should not exist anymore. I can’t do this…I just can’t.

(This time signed with my RL name.)

————————————

I go to therapy every week. This is all I talk about for the most part. Although I am considering not going after my next appt. The counselor won’t encourage where I need to go. She’ll tell me that there is nothing wrong with me other than how I feel.

Things are really progressive where I live. She will refuse to counsel me on anything that sounds like denial or repression. Conversion therapy (for instance) is almost illegal now in Canada.

Nobody should be forced into it but it should be an option for me if I don’t want to live like this. Living as I would like to and getting brainwashed into coping with my birth gender both sound equally horrific at this point.

I’m definitely depressed. No question.

I’ve repressed this my whole life (who knew?). At times I have felt okay. I feel like maybe I can get back there on shear discipline and willpower.

All my clothes and makeup are boxed up. My girly music playlist deleted.

A couple more posts to close off my blog and I’m done. I have to be. I won’t survive this.

Small steps to make this hurt less…or more…I’ll find out.

(Again signed with my RL name.)