December 17, 2019

Something So Beautiful

Well this is certainly not encouraging at all…. (From Wikipedia)

The quote above from Wikipedia is from the entry that describes Gender Dysphoria.

This also happens to be my biggest hang-up by far. In fact it’s utterly soul-crushing….so the “hang-up” taxonomy is actually an epic understatement.

I have not come out to my girlfriend but I wish I could.

We’ve been together three-and-a-half years. She is a wonderful and amazing woman who loves me very much. True love doesn’t come along more than once for us in this life… am I really going to flush this? Do I have a choice?

“It’s hard to look true love in the eye and leave.
Well, damn these dreamsā€¦” – Damn These Dreams – Dierks Bently

Sure I could do it and hope for the best but that blurb from Wikipedia is enough to give any MTF transgender person serious pause if they value their current (optically) cishet relationship.

In the last few months a dream she had (a threesome with me and one of her female coworkers) and some other things have come up that made me think (stupidly), “Oh yes pleasssse be bisexual.” Hardly a slam dunk in my situation but it would offer some glimmer of hope.

I don’t think she’s bisexual.

She knows I’ve been having a rough go for some time but doesn’t know why (I’m very evasive). She’s always so supportive and routinely reminds me that, “Don’t worry. We are in this together for the long haul.”

Yeah, I bet we aren’t. That should-be-cherished moment just crushes me.

No. You won’t be sticking around for this shit-show.

…but for a moment I am going to allow myself to imagine how I would like this to go. A girl can dream…

Like one of those What If? Marvel comics…what if she stays?

I’m spending the time between Christmas and New Year with my girlfriend. We have an Airbnb cottage with a hot tub and good access to a nice walk-in dive site. She is also my diving buddy.

It’s New Years Eve. We are having a wonderful, romantic, relaxed evening. We are super sappy together so a romantic evening is almost a sure thing. We cook together. We eat together. Now we sip some Pinot Grigio in the hot tub as the snow starts to fall.

“Do you ever think about us getting married?” she asks.

My heart stops beating. I forget to breath.

“I do think about it…a lot.” I reply, looking uncomfortable.

“What’s wrong?”

“God I love you so much. I can’t imagine my life without you.” I reply.

“You don’t have to be without me…”

“I need you to know I’ve been dealing with something really big for the better part of the last year or so. You are my best friend and I have wanted to tell you for so long…I’m so sorry I didn’t want to hurt you. I love you so much.”

“What is it?” she said, obviously concerned. She looks nervous and I guess that she thinks I cheated on her. I didn’t. I wouldn’t.

“I have no idea how to tell you…so I just will. None of this is your fault and you don’t have to feel bad about leaving me. It’s okay.”

“What is it?”

“I didn’t know. I’m so sorry…I’m transgender. I can’t be this guy anymore. It’s killing me inside. I tried to make it go away and I can’t. I just can’t…”

“You aren’t kidding?”

“I wish.” I start to sob and feel terrible. This moment should be for her. “I’m so sorry.”

She leans in and holds me in her arms as I cry.

“It’s okay. Breathe. I think I kind of knew. I’m not going anywhere. I love you so much. We are in this together remember?” The most beautiful words I can imagine…ever.

“I love you too. I want you to be my wife. I will love you forever I swear.”

She replies, “I want that too. More than anything.”

We crumble in each other’s arms.

We decide to get married in July. Small affair but we both wanted it to be next to the ocean.

The sun shines and apricity washes over us as a small breeze carries the salt air.

My body and appearance have gone through many changes. I was only “out” to a small group of family and friends and soon to be my employer.

We decided that I would present as a man for the wedding itself. The ceremony was beautiful. She would have the wedding pictures she always wanted.

I was to “come out” for good at the reception…and never look back.

We both spend the late afternoon finishing with the photographer. I wish I wasn’t presenting as a man but it felt good that we somehow shared the day.

She was happy to start with a husband and leave with a wife. I was ecstatic.

A couple of hours of hair and makeup and we both look beautiful. Two women in love. We go out for more pictures while the daylight allows.

This. Just this…please.

We walk into the reception and all the guests cheer as walk in. This time as wives. I try to hold it together…and fail.

I am only Allison now. There is nobody else here inside.

Everyone is happy for me and happy for us a couple.

After some speeches and obligatory formalities we dance (I’m terrible but in this dream I kill it).

We dance to Afire Love by Ed Sheeran in ballroom style and it’s wonderful.

Darling hold me in your arms the way you did last night
And we’ll lie inside, a little while he wrote
I could look into your eyes until the sun comes up
And we’re wrapped in light, in life, in love
Put your open lips on mine and slowly let them shut
For they’re designed to be together oh…

The rest of the reception is magic. I am myself finally and totally open and in love with my beautiful wife.

That night we are together for the first time with me as a woman. She is so tender and understanding and wonderful…I have wanted this for so long. I can feel her love for me has only grown. I’m so happy and she knows that she knows me absolutely…

…I will love her till the end of time.

Alli xoxo

PS – This post was a little weak but I really needed to articulate some hope. There would be no bigger gift in my life than this.

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