Fuck Ray Blanchard.

Hardly a novel thought among those who find themselves with late-onset Gender Dysphoria.

Blanchard says that late-onset transgenderism is a fetish. Furthermore, there are two types of trans people. The pure trans people who discovered their true selves at a very early age…and the fakers in our midst who had a fetish(es) first and then found out they were actually trans.

Count me in among the second group. That being said, I’m not faking anything. My history of fetishes are simply the breadcrumbs (clues) throughout my life that led me to where I am now. I very much believe that this was necessary. SHE could only manifest herself through spy-craft and skullduggery – not by walking through the front door. (Summer dress flowing in the wind as the sun shines through her golden brown hair)

My fetishes and femininity were first noticed by myself at age 5. I was fascinated (okay aroused) by shiny plastic pants and diapers as well female underwear – especially satin. Somewhat creepy but I recall living in Calgary and meeting a girl who lived a few houses down from me. She had a full size diaper she had put on her baby doll. I was instantly turned on and asked her if she would put the diaper on me. She ran it by her mom and her mom (being the responsible parent she was) shut that idea down completely. Nothing happened but from that day forward I was AWARE.

As I got a little older I started seeing pictures of women in panties and lingerie in the big Sears catalogues we’d get a few times a year (the Christmas issue was by far the best). I was always aroused by looking at women in lingerie. The difference was I wanted to be wearing the same lingerie too. I don’t recall articulating that I wanted to be a girl but I wanted to wear the same sexy underwear, look and feel like I imagined they did.

I grew up in the 70’s and 80’s. Being gay wasn’t as accepted as it is today (I get there is still work to be done on this in the world). We’d call each other “gay” and “faggot” as our go-to slurs against friends and enemies alike. We were all ignorant a-holes and male culture supported all this. I am a product of male toxicity to be sure.

I was maybe 12 when I visited my Grandmother. We went to visit a friend of hers. They had a pool but I didn’t have trunks so couldn’t swim. The friend offered me a pair of tight blue speedos that her son had (he had since grown up and moved out). I remember feeling so aroused that I was almost vibrating. I wanted to wear them soooo bad. I put them on and my cock got hard. They seemed like women’s panties to me at the time – they were navy blue satin. Pretty sure my cock was rock-hard the whole time. After swimming, the friend told me to keep the speedos. I was thrilled but nervous. How would I get them home and hide them?

I ended up hiding the speedos under my pillow. It wasn’t long at all before my dad found them. I didn’t get in trouble but I felt totally ashamed. The topic never came up again with either of my parents. I’m not sure my dad even told my mom. I was sad that they got taken away. I wanted my panties back.

Around 12 or 13 I ended up naked with friend – we were both trying to masturbate ourselves to climax. Climax never happened but I didn’t hate being seen and maybe had the thought that I wouldn’t mind if he did it for me. I wasn’t into boys as far as I could tell but the idea of a helping hand didn’t seem to bother me at that particular moment.

Once or twice I used my Mom’s sewing machine to make g-string panties for myself. I couldn’t sew worth a shit but I got the job done with shreds of fabric or other clothes I cannibalized for the purpose.

Now I’m 17. I live alone with my dad as my parents had divorced. He worked security for big rock stars recording in Vancouver and sometimes worked overnight. I’d yank out straight porno mags (Penthouse was my favorite because they showed actual sex happening and the women didn’t look as skanky as some of the lesser publications) and then use tape and grocery or trash bags to make fake “PVC” or “latex” lingerie for me to wear and masturbate in. At this point I am developing a big fetish for latex and PVC. I would pose like the women in the magazine wearing my plastic homemade lingerie.

I’m in my early 20’s. I had a new girlfriend. We’d only had sex a few times. I asked her what turned her on. She had a thing for the Rocky Horror Picture Show and liked men in panties, garters and stockings. Bingo! She also owned a rubber dress that I loved. We went shopping for lingerie for me. I loved every moment even though I was nervous someone might see me. I got to wear it all that night as my roommate was away. Having sex dressed in lingerie was an amazing feeling. I felt like I was having lesbian sex and it was wonderful.

In my early 30’s I had a new girlfriend, The relationship was unhealthy and it sucked but we would dress up in fetish gear a few times together and go to a few fetish clubs in Vancouver. I was dressed in men’s stuff. What I really wanted was to be in women’s lingerie and be seen. I got her pregnant eventually and we got married. It was terrible…

…then we separated. I lived alone with my youngest daughter (I was the responsible parent as my ex had trouble coping with life in general). Every other weekend I’d be alone in the house and I found my sex drive going through the roof. I had some sexy male undies that I would wear to masturbate but nothing too extravagant. I started to have thoughts about sucking a man’s cock and possibly getting fucked. I even reached out on Craigslist (before they nuked their personals) to make it happen…it almost did. I chickened out and ghosted the guy (a cross-dresser) I was chatting with.

I was feeling really lonely and somehow thought getting back with my ex (at her request) was a good idea. Do it for the kids. She was batshit crazy and a serial liar so was always suspicious of everyone. Day one of being back with her she guessed my email password and found my Craigslist correspondence. She lost her mind and it was over again right away. I thought the loneliness led me to think of men. I changed account passwords immediately hoping she didn’t screenshot or forward the email. I felt totally ashamed.

Since then I have indulged in cross-dressing, diaper, PVC, latex, lingerie and pad fetishes.

I’m 48 and met the girl of my dreams just over 3 years ago. She’s beautiful and amazing and an absolute beast in the sack. So sexy and acts (is) like a porn star for me without even being asked. She naturally does all the things that turn me on. She knows I have some anal toys. She knows I have a kinky (men’s) underwear collection. I absolutely love her. She is a wonderful person.

Just over a year ago I made a choice to move away for work reasons. I live one province away from her. A 2 hour flight. We are making the long-distance thing work and are always so happy to see each other. We have a deep sexual and physical connection. We both love to snuggle with each other like it’s the greatest thing in the world. We also have a lot of frantic, naughty, hot sex when we get together.

So, once again maybe a bit of loneliness creeping into my life. I don’t get to see her more than 10-12 times a year. I’ve felt a huge surge in my sex drive and urge to wear sissy clothes and lingerie. My favorites are shiny satin girly dresses and lingerie and also PVC/Latex fetish wear. I have spent a lot of cash on all sorts of outfits. I also bought a few other (bigger) dildos to fuck myself with and occasionally lick and suck on as though a CD/TS/(or last resort) a man was there with me.

I have a huge desire to suck cock and get fucked now. I’d prefer a TS or CD or sissy as I just don’t feel attracted to men at all. In the last short while this has changed to where I can see myself being with a man as well as long as his cock appeals to me but it would be a shallow affair. I feel nauseated at the whole idea outside of the moment.

I dress up and masturbate for hours on end because I love the build up to a huge orgasm. I love watching cum shoot all over – even better if it hits me in the face and gets in my mouth. Maybe I should think that’s gross but I don’t. I need help. This should feel all wrong.

So now I wear panties and lingerie almost daily and also fuck myself with a fairly large dildo most days. The feeling of having it in my ass is almost maddening. My legs shake like they have never before and the feeling is wonderful.

In a perfect world, I tell my girlfriend. She’s secretly turned on by the whole thing and I get to dress up and get pegged by her…and life carries on happily. But I can’t tell her. She thinks I am super manly and have really awakened her sexuality (she gets very naughty now). She also told me once that she wasn’t interested in dominating me if it ever came up (said it would be weird). I feel like she would be crushed to know I was a sissy – not really a man at all. I just fake it well.

I’m not into the humiliation, domination or servitude angles of being a sissy. I just want to dress up like a slutty girl and get fucked and treated like one. I don’t even want it hard. I want to be treated tenderly.

I wish I didn’t want cock so bad. I get weak in the knees just thinking about it. It’s a major distraction.

I don’t want to hurt my girlfriend but I am burning up wanting to be dressed like a slut and sucked and fucked. I love the idea of a TS/CD/man pulling my panties aside to touch me…

So is this a symptom of my gender dysphoria or part of my actual female self?

At this point I believe both to be true.

I’ll wear the scarlet letter. It fits…

Alli