August 14, 2020

Now it gets hard…

I was having a hard time finding a software installation file on my phone.

Frustration built as the location of the executable file eluded me.

All I see is her pictures.

That beautiful face smiling back at me.

It always made me happy when she’d send me a cute selfie. Her eyes so full of love for me.

Now those same pictures cause me so much pain.

I think I was kind of numb the last few days. I felt nothing…just emptiness.

Now the magnitude of this tremendous loss has finally put its full weight upon me.

This pain has no answer.

All I can do is try to survive my day.

Then I go home and sleep…or try to.

I never had a relationship that I wasn’t happy to get out of. Each time it fell apart it was a relief.

Not this time.

I have no idea what to do with myself.

This emptiness…I am missing a piece of me. That piece will never be put back in place.

I need to grieve this but the depth of pain is like nothing I have ever felt before aside from the worst of my gender dysphoria.

How will this ever be okay?

I can’t even function.

A friend asked me what I could do for self-care today.

There is nothing. There is no escape from how hurtful and oppressive this is. I am crushed by the weight of it all and heartbroken beyond anything I have ever felt before.

All hope extinguished. No conversations to be had. Nothing to work out.

Just the cold realization that a beautiful something I once had is no longer.

So I’ll sleepwalk through work today. Put on a fake smile for everyone. All the while falling apart in real-time…hidden behind this facade of coping.

I just want to sleep. It’s my only escape.

Of course it’s all there waiting for me each waking moment.

Relentless reminders of what is never going to be.

How did I ever believe this love would be forever?

Where did that hope come from?

A love that penetrated and destroyed my most cynical defenses.

Now I am empty.

I think I should cry but can’t.

There is no outlet for this. No path to redemption. No way to mourn except to feel all this pain and hope that one day it fades away…

or that I do.