Gender Dysphoria sucks….like a lot.

I recently sat down with a psychologist to begin my assessment for transition.

Transition to what? Who? I wish I knew.

Truth is, I feel like I am just on the road to profound disappointment. I told the psychologist that I “was actually more afraid of NOT being able to transition than of the act of actually transitioning itself”.

I’m too old, too manly, and mostly too afraid of what happens with my life once I transition to likely ever go through with it. This makes me very sad. This will end in my own heart breaking beyond repair…

As a “man” I am an extreme introvert. Quite happy to hide away from the world. As my “correct” self I find myself with a strong (and foreign) desire to actually be very social and engage with others.

This is a problem. If I transition…what friends can I expect to have? Who will ever want to be in a romantic relationship with me? I fully expect my long-term (amazing and wonderful) girlfriend to jettison me within 3 seconds to 7 days of me disclosing who I really am.

To transition means to lose everything and everyone in my life. To not transition means I lose myself. I lose either way. Both roads lead to death.

I had a friend of mine (has no clue I am transgender) just a few days ago say that he resented the transgender “political agenda”. He posited that a person with glasses should have the same political status.

“So why aren’t all people with a visual impairment afforded the same status?”. I’m not really sure I was able to convince him that the issue of a person’s complete identity may be the big difference here. Apples and oranges. He, quite sadly, believes that your genitals are who you are.

The difference (in my humble opinion) is that as soon as a person comes out as transgender they run the real risk of losing almost everything. Job, friends, family, significant others…and that’s before they get to experience what it is to be truly marginalized in society. So much more so for a transgender person who also happens to be a visual minority.

So, if I want to represent as a woman in order to feel like myself. I have to risk it all. This is stupid.

I just want to go to work, stay with my girlfriend, hang out with friends, go out for groceries, or have a glass of wine in restaurant…

This is where it gets political. Should I not be protected enough to at least keep my job? We can’t legislate acceptance among friends, family and significant others but surely we still have a right to exist and survive?

I have no real world solution to the struggles that transgender people face as they desire transition. I do, however, have a great idea for how this works in a “perfect world”.

This functions much like the witness protection and relocation programs available to protect some witnesses in criminal cases.

Step 1: Make an online report to the Transgender Support Directorate (TSD).* Disclose your unrelenting gender dysphoria and desire to escape your body for good. Note: The TSD already knows your whereabouts.

Step 2: Within 72 hours you will be abducted. You want this (trust me). It will happen at a time and location that will not be disclosed in advance. A team of no less than 3 Transgender Friendly Commandos (TFC’s) will perform the abduction and immediately take you to a “safe house”. I must state that this will be the most loving abduction ever witnessed.

Step 3: At the same moment you are abducted by the TFC’s (on behalf of the TSD) all evidence of your existence will be systematically erased. Family, lovers, friends and employers will receive notice that you no longer exist.

Step 4: You have never felt love and understanding like you do when finally transported to the “safe house”. Reassurance and support like you wouldn’t believe. You are also informed that the TSD has also identified all people in your old life that love you and want to be in your life after transition. You may not speak to them at this point but they are made aware that you are loved and protected. You will see them again.

Step 5: You are provided with food, lodgings and incredible support. Hormone Replacement Therapy? Check. Cosmetic surgery? Everything you need. Gender Reassignment Surgery? Consider it done. Voice lessons? Yep. Feminization lessons? Daily. Mental health support? Lots. Suck at makeup? No issue. They got you. Clothes? Only the best. At some point in this part of the process you are allowed some visitation.

Step 6: After completing all of Step 5 you can retrain yourself for new employment opportunities if you wish. The TSD has all the resources necessary to reinvent your career too.

Step 7: Relocation. You are provided with a complete new identity. Name, history, education and employment credentials, a place of your own, a new job and FINALLY you are reunited with all friends and family identified in Step 4.

Step 8: My God…start to LIVE. What else?

Instead of this, what do we have? Fear, self-loathing, isolation, loss of relationships, mental health problems…the marginalization checklist continues somewhere over the horizon….

It shouldn’t be like this.

I told my psychologist (choking up a bit in the process) that “nobody should have to go through this”.

Nobody should. Being yourself should not come at the cost that it does for most transgender people (of course some more than others).

This is why it gets political…

Alli

*If only the TSD existed. It sure as hell should.