August 16, 2020

Last night I think I fell apart for good…

I haven’t slept.

So many tears and so much pain.

…and even now. My hands fly to my face. Tears cascade through my fingers… this hurt is too much for me.

I can never fix me. I want to.

I think I finally broke for good.

My whole life has been sad and shitty…except for a wonderful three-and-a-half years

I thought I had felt the worst life had to offer. I thought I had experienced the worst pain I possibly could.

I was wrong. There is always worse.

You think you are at the bottom and then those floorboards creak, bend and buckle under the weight of your grief and then you fall…again.

Deeper into this impenetrable darkness. There is no light. Nothing lives here.

I can’t describe this pain. There are no words.

I wish I could make her understand…me.

My life has been this insane blur…and now it has coalesced into high definition and I see me.

Broken.

I thought there was a life worth living for me. I was very wrong.

I don’t even exist. I was stupid to think I ever could.

There will never be anything for me. That little girl died a long time ago. She never got to live at all.

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