Living with a long distance relationship isn’t desirable…or easy. So much worse when you have a secret devouring you from within.
Every time we get together it was my plan to come out to her. So convinced she would leave me, I would always chicken-out. The pressure building intolerably with each subsequent cycle of planning to tell her and then deciding that I just can’t.
For the last year, the person she knows and loves has been taken away from her. Every moment just lost in my own tortured mind as I wrestle with a seismic shift in my very being.
This past weekend was going to be it. I had to tell her. I was dying inside and I was making her feel terrible in the process. Dragging her through my personal hell without her having any idea of why it was all happening.
I had mentioned a few times to her that I would like to find a job close to her so we can share life again together. She mentioned that I shouldn’t make any job decisions just for her every time. I wondered if she was losing interest…I wouldn’t blame her. I wouldn’t even blame her if she had met another person. I was giving her a raw deal and she deserves better.
I was trying so hard to “fix” myself in every way. I quit anti-depressants cold turkey because I thought my resultant lack of sex drive was making my girlfriend feel unattractive (when she is beautiful and sexy).
Turns out my tortured mind was more the issue so I approached my doctor about going back onto anti-depressants. The new medication made me feel like complete garbage. I mentioned this to my girlfriend and three times she readily suggested she maybe shouldn’t come up to see me as planned.
I was so close to coming out to her and now she was suggesting she doesn’t come up at all. She knows I’m sad and need her. Why does she discourage me from moving closer to her? Why is she she so readily suggesting that she leave me alone instead of visiting?
The little courage that I had was now shattered. I don’t think she loves me like I love her. I felt her withdrawing. If that was the case, all hope was lost.
She can never know.
I broke up with her the next day. My only explanation was that I loved her more than she loved me and that I had misjudged our relationship.
We had a few messages back and forth but I was resigned to not tell her anything. She was free now. I had done her a massive favor.
I decided right then and there that I would never transition. I put my HRT meds in the very back of a drawer in my bathroom. Nobody would ever accept me like I am. I was going to be without the only woman I have ever truly loved and nobody would ever take her place.
I no longer believed that I would ever sacrifice being the fake me for a chance to be authentic. To do so would be to accept being lonely forever. If my girlfriend didn’t love me then surely the deck was stacked against me. Nobody ever would…
I needed to somehow accept myself inside and leave it at that. I had to make peace with being my fake-guy-self and end this obscene charade. To think, I actually thought I could maybe come out to my girlfriend. What a sad delusional asshole…
I stopped replying to anything my girlfriend sent me. Every reply I sent was making her feel worse. I still love her. I don’t want her to hurt.
Four days later she messaged me again. Trying to make arrangements to return some of my possessions. She was very sad about everything and I knew she was hurting…a lot. I didn’t reply until the next morning.
I felt horrible that I had made her this sad. I had nothing to lose now. I decided I was going to tell her the truth about what has been going on with me for the last year. Once she understood who I really was she would surely get over me and move on. I waited until I got to work to send her an email describing what I have been going through…who I really am.
If you love something, set it free…
I was shocked. I set her free…
…and she came back with nothing short of the most amazing love, understanding and acceptance that I could ever conceive of in my wildest dreams.
I could not believe what I was reading. This can’t be real.
I just told the love of my life I was transgender and she didn’t blink.
She wanted to get on a plane and come visit me right away. I was scared and so was she but we booked her flight for the following evening.
She said she felt nervous like it was our first date. I reminded her that our first date went amazingly well.
I jumped out of my car as she walked out of the airport terminal. I wrapped her in my arms and we kissed in the cold winter air. I felt my anxiety melt away. I hoped I felt hers melt away a bit too.
We didn’t speak about too much that night but we were able to be incredibly close physically like we hadn’t been in a long while. I was back and present in the moment with her. I hope she felt this too. The best part was she looked at me differently but I could still see that she loved me and found me attractive. I could hardly believe what was happening. I felt hopeful in spite of myself.
The next morning we started to talk. She was so caring and sensitive. She had also started reading a book I had bought for her at the spur of the moment. She was on a mission to understand me and support me. I felt so loved.
I answered every question. I needed her to know she could take her time with this and I would answer anything she asked. There would be no more secrets.
She was confused about a bunch but also had such incredible insight as to certain psychological elements. I found some of the things she said so amazingly profound. This woman was clearly doing everything she could to love me and support me. I didn’t want this dream to end…
…and it didn’t.
More (sometimes hard) conversation. She was honest with me. She was fully in to stay with me and see where things go…even as the weighty spectre of full transition loomed foreboding and omnipresent. She expressed her fears to me…that I would change so much that she may not be attracted to me, that my sexuality may change…or some other hence unknown deviation from the man she thought she knew.
I answered her every question with complete honesty.
“Do you have another name?” She asked.
I froze up. Why after all I had disclosed was this one so hard to say?
“Oh God this is so hard” I paused. My gaze at the floor. “It’s Allison. People call me Alli.”
“With two L’s?” She asked thoughtfully.
“Would you like me to start calling you that now?”
My God. Who is this amazing woman? She had barely any time to digest this and this is what she is doing for me?
I told her that we could ease into things a little at a time. She has been drinking through a fire-hose with all this. I need her to know she has time.
All weekend I could see her looking at me as a woman inside. Not only did she not recoil but we felt closer than ever. I was finally free and she had her lover back.
I was present and connected with her like never before.
One of the most amazing things to happen was being intimate with each other. Without being asked she tried to treat me like like a woman. Paying attention to other parts of me in different, thoughtful ways that made me feel amazing. I was also able to act a little more naturally and she wasn’t disgusted…far from it actually, I saw her excited to experience me in a different way. I was still in disbelief. This can’t be happening…
…but it was. I, for once, feel so happy and hopeful. This may end at some point with my beautiful girlfriend deciding this is all too much. I pray that isn’t the case.
I dropped her off at the airport this morning. Once again, the cold winter air biting at her soft skin and freezing her hair that was only in the shower minutes previously. We embraced and as our lips met in a deep kiss we both sighed. Like always I didn’t want her to go.
Upon landing safely at home, the most amazing thing happened.
She texted me a screenshot of our text message thread. She told me she did that so I could properly see what she was trying to show me.
I looked and at first it wasn’t obvious…but then I saw it.
She had changed my name in her address book. At the top of her message it now said Allison…