August 12, 2020

Fuck core values. A final letter to my therapist.

(Name removed)

Things looked good with R. but she wasn’t willing to do anything on the parenting front for me so I ended it. It broke my heart for good to realize we could never live together.

Good timing for her. She never had to deal with telling her friends and family about me. 

I have come to the hard realization that I can never transition. Despite your heartfelt encouragement I just don’t believe this is doable.

Your core values exercise threw me for a loop. It led me to see I had no purpose in life but something inside of me doesn’t care about any of this. I feel nothing. 

I just don’t. I only felt energized by the intimacy I felt with R. Sad huh? 

I don’t think I’ll ever have the courage to do it but I can’t lie, I feel most at peace when I think of dying. I don’t even feel depressed saying this. I just want this life to fade to black. 

Maybe I’ll change my mind one day but death sounds so much better than transition. I can transition and I’ll still be stuck with me. 

Core values don’t seem to matter much to me now. Dying on that hill just cost me the best thing that has ever happened to me. 

It wasn’t worth it. It just leaves you alone. 

I’m so sick of being trans and trying to act like this can work. It won’t and unless I start digging on guys (It’ll never happen) I’ll likely be alone forever… best case scenario.

I refuse to roll the dice. I can’t bet on myself this time.

I had my name tattooed on my forearm. I told R. that I always kind of knew deep down that would be the extent of my existence. Just a reminder in ink of what’s really inside.

I need to make peace with this or find my way to make my grand exit. 

If you picture me as a complete wreck while I say this you’d be way off. 

I’m cool and calm and sincerely wish I would just never wake up again. 

Sure it’s a waste of a life but I feel nothing inside. Nothing energizes me or fulfills me…except what I just walked away from.

I’m am so tired of everything. 
I won’t need any further sessions for the foreseeable future.

Thank you for trying to help. I’m just too far gone to care about anything. I know I should but I just really don’t.

The world and everyone in it could end and I couldn’t care less. 

I wasn’t made for this world and I want out.

💔 Fuck core values.

I wish…