January 6, 2020

Ever so slowly and with far too much caution…

It is interesting for me to read through all I have written here. Not because it’s particularly well put together but because there is a bunch of it now and it tells my story fairly well. I see a progression from fetishes to where I find myself today. Every day just as surreal as the last…

I wrote this in one of my first posts:

“I’m not even sure if my story ever ends…”

While this is true, I am equally unsure that my story won’t end prematurely.

I’m not talking about suicide. Worse. I’m talking about not being able to or otherwise being unwilling to transition.

I am trying so very hard to control all the parameters of a condition (Gender Dysphoria) that is almost completely out of my control.

My daughter: She’s 14. I can’t do this if it destroys her.

My girlfriend: I love her so much. I think of ways to deny myself if it means losing her.

My job: My employer is out of business. I have technically been terminated. I need a new job asap and one that offers me some protection. I am trying very hard to get back working for the government. If I can’t get that job sorted it is quite likely that I will have many concerns about transitioning. My career is strictly alpha-male territory.

Passing: I hate this one. I once thought that I would be happy to just live my life as a trans woman. Like clock me and I wouldn’t care. Well, I’m starting to care. If, after HRT, Facial Feminization and top surgery I do not pass nine-times-out-of-ten, I may have to accept that my Gender Dysphoria may not be mitigated to the degree that I require to be “happy”.

All this against the backdrop of feeling like I MUST transition. I’ll never be happy with any half-measures. I’m no androgynous guy, I’m no metrosexual fashionista…I am a woman inside. That’s all that will work for me. Full stop.

So where does that leave me?

Certainly not with a lot of options…which equals this big sinking feeling that I will never be able to pull this together. Feels pretty hopeless most days.

The other big issue is that if I can’t/won’t/too-damn-scared to transition then there is likely no point in coming out at all. It’d be nice to be known but why would I risk it if I am not going to transition? I should just live in secret misery and at least keep my job prospects, daughters and my girlfriend intact.

Can you imagine? I come out. My life implodes and then I don’t transition? Why the f*ck would I put myself through that? I lose my girlfriend and alienate my kids for what?

The hard part here is whether I can “live” at all without transitioning (even if imperfect). A sinister catch 22 if there ever was one.

I either succeed nearly perfectly or I die (metaphorically or otherwise). No pressure.

How foolish that I try to micromanage the details of this situation.

I need to get a new (stable/accepting) job before I can come out to family and friends. I need to have surgeries lined up with a good chance of favorable results before I come out at work. I need acceptance from my kids and (with any luck) my wonderful girlfriend.

Pretty easy to feel hopeless when I have attached this very strict set of parameters that will set the stage for me to do what I must. Hardly realistic based on the experiences of others…

…this is gonna hurt. No way around it.

Even telling my girlfriend is horrifying. I sometimes just want to blurt out (like a complete asshole), “I have a terrible secret. I am transgender and it’s pretty much a for sure thing.” Then let the chips fall where they may as I hopefully feel that weight drop off my overburdened shoulders. Just yank the band-aid off the (sucking chest) wound…

HRT is also like a ticking time bomb. I have boobs…not too much bigger but completely different feeling. I spent the last week away with my girlfriend and she touched and grabbed them a lot. Even called them “moobs”. I thought for sure the jig was up. So this may be a case of having to put on the brakes with HRT too…which almost drives me to tears to think of.

I recently realized that I’m no longer in denial about this either. I still have the odd feeling of, “This is far too surreal. This can’t be happening.” but at the end of the day I know who I am inside. I miss being able to be in denial. It came in handy. I could be working myself into a near panic attack about transitioning and then denial saves the moment.

“Maybe this will go away.”

“Maybe I’m not really transgender.”

“I can beat this.”

Horseshit. I’m stuck with me as-is.

So despite my every worry, my increasing horror (HRT is doing stuff) and my hopelessness I still find myself crawling forward…ever so slowly and with far too much caution.

Maybe I’ll figure it all out and the plan will come together like a masterpiece of tactical planning.

More likely this thing will continue to dictate its own hostile terms and I’ll ride the wave…hopefully not to drown but to be delivered beautifully and gently onto some wonderful far off shore where friends and loved ones await to welcome me with open arms.

I need this.

Alli xoxo

2 Comments

  • Alli, 😥😭!
    I hear myself in so much of what you say! I’m glad to hear you’re working with a therapist. Those things take time, but it’s so needful!
    One thing I learned that was paradigm-shifting was figuring out that my perfectionist tendencies (need to pass, coming out go smoothly, control all aspects of this transition) are actually a learned behavior and part of the persona I developed to hide me from me and from everyone else. Realizing that helped me to start letting go of my perfectionism and allow the sloppy, bumpy, disjointed experience we call life to move forward without me trying to clean, smooth, and set it straight.
    I hope you’re able to find some peace amid your maelstrom and heal from all you’ve suffered to this point! ❤
    It’s a hard journey you’re on, and it’s definitely worth it! Your other friends and I will be by your side as you struggle through. 🤗🥰
    Much love,
    Christina

    • Hi Christina,

      Thanks sweetie. I agree. It’s mostly the single parent piece that keeps me in the “control everything” mindset…although it definitely fits in with learned habits too.

      My employment is a big ??? at this point too. I hope maybe some stability in one realm or the other may help me let things go a bit.

      I had to emphasize the passing thing as I just see too manypeople who have transitioned and their dysphoria is not sufficiently mitigated. In my mind I’ll also cause less humiliation for people in my life if I look right…also have better relationship prospects…maybe.

      I’m sure my overall stress is making this whole process much harder at the moment. Hoping for some more clarity asap.

      Alli xoxo

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