October 2, 2019

Down the rabbit hole…

Where does this end?

I can’t quite say I was blindsided by my gender dysphoria. It came as a shock (make no mistake), but I opened myself to what I was experiencing and decided not to resist.

I don’t know that I could have resisted to be honest. There is a force within me that will not allow itself to be ignored.

I find myself thinking that this would have been so much better to discover about myself in my teens. Although the world was even more hostile to trans people back then, at least I could have possibly enjoyed my life instead of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin for decades.

I could have lived…maybe.

Now I’m 48. I have kids, career, house, car, committed relationship and physically I am the furthest away from looking like who I feel I am.

NOW is not the time.

But I can’t ignore this. It will rip me apart inside. I will feel like I’m dying…

I’m terrified. I don’t know where this will end.

Why can’t I just be a crossdresser? Why can’t Blanchard be correct? Why can’t this just be a fetish? Why is my soul all wrapped up in this? Why does hearing my female name sound so perfect? Why does thinking of myself referred to as “she” or “her” make me sigh out loud? Why do I feel like I’m faking my manhood every day?

And each day I expect to wake up with “a clear head” and (with a spring in my step) gather up all HER belongings and throw them away. Relieved that this unfortunate phase of my life has ended.

I try my best to set limitations. I tell myself that I can never allow the transition to take place. I will lose everything. I can do anything…but not THAT.

But THAT is exactly what I need. THAT is exactly what my soul cries out for.

For now I am along for the ride. I hope I can pump the brakes when I see trouble ahead…

You see, I don’t want to resist. I want to let go. I want to be.

So down the rabbit hole I go. It’s tea time. See you on the other side.

Alli

PS – A poem was written beneath the pic in this post. I thought it was very fitting….

Falling down the rabbit hole.
The repetition remained strong.
Inside a storm taking over.
Heard, felt, written in a song.

Falling down the rabbit hole.
Sneaking in from behind.
Did you see it come.
Causing nothing but chaos in my mind.

Falling down the rabbit hole.
The existence cursed wrong.
Acceptance leading confusion.
To a place you’ve known all along.

-Freja Rossel

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