November 7, 2019

Choose your own adventure….

Couldn’t help but think of some poor trans kid getting chased back into the closet when I saw this one….

I may be dating myself here but does anyone remember the old Choose Your Own Adventure books?

Some of my favorite targets at the library when I was young. The library and books were a big escape – especially during the summer when I found myself spending a lot of time alone.

I used to love reading these and would often reread just to see how I could affect the story. These books were later replaced by computer text adventure games and then by modern video games en large.

Being hopelessly mired in gender dysphoria. A respected individual asked me the “simple” question, “What is your plan to resolve this crisis?”

To my ears this sounded different than, “What are you going to do?”. Perhaps a semantic difference only but the statement had more focus.

I couldn’t respond right away. I needed to think about this.

I bristle at the thought of having to “negotiate” anything less than full transition with myself but I realize may have to accept something less in my life.

So what shall I do?

Seeing the Choose Your Own Adventure books again reminded me of a weird thought I had a long time ago.

For a spiritually inclined person, I wondered…

What if you woke up today and decided that you would open yourself to the signs of a greater purpose in the world around you? What if you decided that you would follow your instincts and react to your first thought about those signs? Talk to a stranger, hop on a bus, carry out a random good deed, or just simply take a walk down a different path than you’d usually take…

What would your life be like if you followed your every perception of the hidden world behind the curtain?

In other words, what if you allowed yourself to follow every spiritual thought (real or imagined) that occurred to you?

I had a similar thought about being a deeply closeted (Narnia deep) trans person.

You can’t live there in the dark forever. You will kill your soul. So what can you do? It may not be wise to follow EVERY inclination you have but it’s likely you can do more than you think.

Step 1: Establish outliers to determine your comfort level with exploration of your true self. So if you know you can’t dress up and go to work – that is a hard limit (for now). Likewise if you have no safe spaces outside your home (for now) you may be stuck at home.

Step 2: Indulge every bit of who you are within the outliers established in Step 1. Does shaving your body make you look more correct? Do it. Does sitting down to pee seem more correct? Do it. Does experimenting with makeup help you see the person inside? Do it. Are there any “all gender” events you can attend? Do it.

I go through phases of denying my “womanhood” for a bunch of reasons. During these times I pack everything of my true self away and force myself to repress.

I’ll force myself to wear male underwear. I will avoid looking at women or ads targeted at women. (F*ck you Google and your targeted ads. You know me all too well). I will do everything to deny myself…and it isn’t healthy.

Currently I am am in unhappy self-denial mode.

Don’t do this to yourself.

Choose your own adventure. Take every road that leads you even an inch closer to being you.

Alli

PS – I need to give a nod here to Felix Conrad’s book – How to Jedi Mindtrick Your Gender Dysphoria. He gets into this far better than I ever could.

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